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laurafluteHonestly, I'll never know if you skipped this entry. And that's fine with me. This is my journal. Ultimately it's for my benefit.
I cried at the sight of a pregnant woman in Wal Mart. Babies are hard for me to look at but don't quite trigger the water works. So long as they don't cry, that is. And little girls are hard, too. Either it was going to be a girl or I really wanted one. I don't know. Either way, the cuter they are the more I want to cry.
Joe finally told me exactly what he saw on the floor in the exam room. I delivered a mass of poorly developed blood and tissue. He's having nightmares about it and is furious with the doctor for letting it hit the floor and himself for looking. After that part was all over he went out in the hall and realized there was a piece of it...of our baby...on his shoe and lost it. I told him the doctor just wasn't prepared to find it because the ultrasound showed an empty uterus (he must have thought I already passed it), and I'm very sorry he went through that. But in a weird way I'm glad he told me about it. I had myself convinced my baby never really was, that I didn't really carry anything. As hard as it was to know there was a fetus, it's comforting to know for a short while there something was there to hear the I love yous Joe and I showered upon it. It also explained why the nurse checked "after delivery" on my Rhogam card rather than "after pregnancy termination."
I wailed after dinner tonight how unfair it is that crack whores can carry babies to term and I had to lose mine when I did everything right. I quit smoking (I relapsed yesterday, not sure if it's short or long term yet), I took my prenatals, I scheduled care, I cut back on the Diet Coke (that was harder than giving up smoking), I checked out half a shelf of pregnancy books at the library (took those back today -- I think I broke the book drop trying to shove them in), I went to the hospital when things first looked bad....it isn't fair. My mother always said life isn't fair, but that never lessens the hurt.
Ryan and I went out to lunch and I was remarkably okay at the time. There's a very small circle of people I can talk about things with right now. It will gradually expand, maybe before I'm ready, but right now small is good.
And now I am tired and need to rest.
I cried at the sight of a pregnant woman in Wal Mart. Babies are hard for me to look at but don't quite trigger the water works. So long as they don't cry, that is. And little girls are hard, too. Either it was going to be a girl or I really wanted one. I don't know. Either way, the cuter they are the more I want to cry.
Joe finally told me exactly what he saw on the floor in the exam room. I delivered a mass of poorly developed blood and tissue. He's having nightmares about it and is furious with the doctor for letting it hit the floor and himself for looking. After that part was all over he went out in the hall and realized there was a piece of it...of our baby...on his shoe and lost it. I told him the doctor just wasn't prepared to find it because the ultrasound showed an empty uterus (he must have thought I already passed it), and I'm very sorry he went through that. But in a weird way I'm glad he told me about it. I had myself convinced my baby never really was, that I didn't really carry anything. As hard as it was to know there was a fetus, it's comforting to know for a short while there something was there to hear the I love yous Joe and I showered upon it. It also explained why the nurse checked "after delivery" on my Rhogam card rather than "after pregnancy termination."
I wailed after dinner tonight how unfair it is that crack whores can carry babies to term and I had to lose mine when I did everything right. I quit smoking (I relapsed yesterday, not sure if it's short or long term yet), I took my prenatals, I scheduled care, I cut back on the Diet Coke (that was harder than giving up smoking), I checked out half a shelf of pregnancy books at the library (took those back today -- I think I broke the book drop trying to shove them in), I went to the hospital when things first looked bad....it isn't fair. My mother always said life isn't fair, but that never lessens the hurt.
Ryan and I went out to lunch and I was remarkably okay at the time. There's a very small circle of people I can talk about things with right now. It will gradually expand, maybe before I'm ready, but right now small is good.
And now I am tired and need to rest.
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no subject
Date: 2006-07-31 02:18 am (UTC)So I'll just say that I'm so very sorry, and I'm glad you've had the support you have around you.
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Date: 2006-07-31 02:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-31 03:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-31 07:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-31 07:47 pm (UTC)We can't thank you guys enough for the love and support. It's a long, bumpy road for the both of us. But it's good to know that our "extended family" is there for us every step of the way.
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Date: 2006-07-31 09:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-01 01:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-02 12:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-02 05:14 pm (UTC)